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Sep. 2nd, 2008

Yeah, right?

I don't really understand the term best friends anymore. I was there for you until someone better came along. I did everything that I could to keep you in my life, because you were the person that made me happy. You hurt me, made me an untrusting person, and stabbed me in the back. What you did to me is something that I will never forget, nor ever forgive you for. It hurts me so much to say this, but you are pretty much dead to me now. But, that's just because of how I am. You hurt me and I push you away, and forget your existence and our memories. Looking back on our past makes me cry because I lost someone so special to me. But at the same time, gained my independance back. All of the time we spent together, and all of the shit we went through....I don't regret it at all. It wasn't a waste of time for me, and I know that you think the same. I'm not a forgiving person, or someone who is even anywhere near heartfelt. But if there ever comes a time, where you need me for anything at all know that I will be right here. Because I loved you as a best friend, sister, and other half. And even though it's all gone now, and I'll never get it back I still think about what could be. Or what it would be like right now. If it was just me and you again, like old times. It breaks my heart to know that things will NEVER be the same.

Jun. 5th, 2008

100 Truths

 I'll start with 100 and work my way down, everytime I have something to say or think, I'll place it here....

100. You have changed a lot over the past year, and I don't like who you have become. You're a plastic poser now, and I hope that one day you'll wake up and see that being fake isn't exactly appealing....to anyone.
99. I don't quite understand the point of your vulgar bullitens, randomly putting things like "go suck dick" makes you look like trailer trash with no class. Grow up? :]
98. HEY! You're in eigth grade, close your legs. By the time you hit high school you'll have done everyguy at Porter Ridge. STD's aren't a trend, I mean seriously.
97. I feel almost invisible to you.....but that's no secret. I told you how I felt and where I stood; I just wish you'd be man enough to see how bad you make me feel sometimes and make things better.
96. I really really REALLY can't stand your parents. Which is sad to say considering I am around them a lot.
95. You think that smoking is 'cool.' Open your eyes?
94. You're a senior, stop stealing seventh and eigth graders virginity. Guys like you are they reason they are considering making it a rule for kids to take birth control in public schools.
93. If you're waiting for an apology you won't get one. I've done nothing wrong, you're just too stuck up to let your gaurd down and see it.
92. Whenever I get mad, I close my eyes and pretend that I'm still in Brazil. Getting away makes all things better. 
91. When something is wrong, I pretend like it isn't. I don't like other people seeing me with my guard down.
90. You're the reason I dont ever want to trust anyone again.

May. 13th, 2008

(no subject)

 Ugh, looking at pictures of her makes me sick. There's something about her I just can't stand. Only one more year after this one till she graduates. Thank god. 

BTW, I think this is my new venting spot. I can get a lot out on this live journal thing, and it's great because nobody cares enough to read it.

May. 11th, 2008


It frustrates me when people don't have enough respect to keep their mouths shut about things they have no idea about. Could you please have a LITTLE bit more decency and pride in yourself than to make up un-true rumors about someone who is seriously injured and in the hopsital. And for those of you that are too focused on yourselves to look around and see that other people are way way worse off, go to hell. This poor girl has been through hell lately, and all you have to show for it is your big ass mouths and selfishness. I hope you all fall in a hole.

Apr. 24th, 2008


 If there is one thing I have learned about love lately. It's that you have to be tolerant, patient, trusting, and loving. You must be tolerant of the bad days, patient while you wade out the fights, trusting when someone you love tells you something. And with all of that, be loving in the mean time. Love is not jealous, and I shouldn't be either. I trust my boyfriend with all of my heart, and after getting some closure in talking to someone whom I thought could be a possible enemy, I believe jealous free is the way to be. Haha, cheesy line, I know! But sadly, it's the truth. Being jealous of something that isn't there in the first place will only hurt you in the long run. I'm going to love with all of my heart, and learn how to trust more all the while. What I have right now is the most important thing to me, in this whole entire world. In this moment, this time, I know it's right. I have never been more sure of anything in my life, and I'll never let this go. Of course, I can be as stubborn as a brick wall at times. I can be sooooo mellow-dramatic, it's oddly surprising to even me. And I can be just an upright bitch. But love is knowing that no matter what mood you're in, or how horribly ugly you look when you cry, he will still stand by your side. Love is knowing that nothing or noone can come inbetween what we have, and love is believing in one another. I wrongly said once that relationships mean making sacrifices. But, I'm afraid that the only person that needed to take heed to that lesson, was me. Now that I know that some things need changing, I will do whatever necessary and possible to make things 100 percent okay again. Well yes, we will have our bad days. But my boyfriend and I are, and always will be in love. No matter what road block gets thrown in our way, overcoming the day to day battles that we face will not be an issue for us. We will continue going strong, and continue to grow in love. Every single day, I find something new that I love about him. He truly does mean the world to me. And I love him with every bit of my heart. Baby, this one was for you. And I hope that you read this. You are far more significant to me than anything or anyone. I love you with every inch of me. you are my hero.<3

Apr. 21st, 2008

(no subject)

 If you knew I was dying would it change you?

Apr. 20th, 2008

(no subject)

I hate this!!! I can't stand feeling like there are other people more important to him then me. Of course I understand family, or a best friend. But I just can't take a girl being of more importance and use than I am. It's like I try so so hard to be the one to make him happy, but no matter what I do, she outshines me. They're not helping when they (my friends) tell me that when I leave this summer for Brasil he will move on to bigger and better (aka-her) and I'll come back with nothing left. I know they're just joking, and I know they joke when they say that they saw the two of them out together somewhere. But it's still making things so much harder. I am NOT a jealous person, I never have been, and I can't stand to be now. What is the signifigance of being wih someone if they would rather be with someone else? It's terrible how I find myself sitting places thinking about if he's talking to her, or hanging out with her. And what they're doing. Do I have trust issues? No, I would never have ANY reason to doubt the fact that he loves me. But the more and more I look the harder it is to find my place around here. Do I need to be doing something differently? I just want to be sure that I'm the one that he thinks about at night before he goes to bed, that I'm the one that pops in his head when someone says the word love, and that I'm the one he wants to spend all of his time with. I just don't know what to do to make sure that I'm the one.   

Apr. 19th, 2008

(no subject)

 I love it how my mom tries to peek out the windows when me and my boyfriend are saying goodbye, then when I get inside she acts like she has been sleeping the whole time. :] next time i'm just going to shove zack against a wall and pretend to take his pants off or something.

Apr. 16th, 2008

(no subject)

 Hospitals are freaking gay. My mom took me to the doctor monday after school because I was having abdominal pains to the max. After the doctor examined me he wrote a note that said I needed blood work stat. So, I went to the ER and imagery center where they took my blood and gave me this disgusting stuff to drink so that I could take a cat scan later. I went home and took a shower and packed a bag incase they made me stay over night or something. I went back at 730 to take the cat scan and the meds they gave me made me even sicker. turns out i had an ovarian tumor/cist that had ruptured, or something along those lines. gross, ehh? anyways my point was just that hospitals are pointless and going to school for two periods just so that you can go to church later that night to see your boyfriend then finding out that he can't go because he has to go hit golf balls out of the woods isn't exactly dandy either.GRRR.

Apr. 11th, 2008

(no subject)

The point of these journals is to write about our lives right? Well I dont think that I know much about my life right now, other than the fact that the more and more I live, I start to break out of this shell. It feels like I've been so caught up in trying to live the right way that i haven't known how to just be myself. I think I like the fact that I'm changing. I'm sorry if I come across meaner, or ruthless. It's just my way of figuring out who I really am. 

September 2008



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